August 14, 2006 - Page 2

One thing that is proving to be rather challenging is the question of where to be buried.  Nathan is really taking this to heart. We had wanted me to be buried at St. Vlash, the natural choice for us because we are connected with the school there and really love the place. I asked the Archbishop, but he felt that it would not be appropriate. Others have asked and been refused, and if I am granted permission, others will ask in the future and will question why I was allowed and they are not. It is rather complicated. I have resigned myself to this reality, but now, where do we go? The major cemeteries are large, crowded miserable places. Today we will look at the village cemetery just outside the monastery grounds of St. Vlash. This might be close enough, and most certainly the land was a part of the former property of the Church as all of the land surrounding the monastery and school was at one, but it hasn’t been returned to the Church, and probably never will be.

You ask, how am I feeling spiritually? and I answer, very well, thank God. This is manifestly the result of God’s grace. Both Nathan and I feel ourselves overwhelmed by the amazing grace that God has given to us. We could not be so joyful without his help. I pray that this will continue to the end. Who knows what will happen when I begin to feel poorly, but for now, I am happy and feel a great sense of joyful anticipation at my home-going. God is with us and will continue to be with us until the the end.

Nathan spoke with the children a little bit last night about what may be coming in order to prepare them a bit for the end. They were surprisingly peaceful. Tristan said, “If mommy does die, then she’ll be with Jesus.” Then they asked if I would be here for Christmas. The truth is that because I do not look or act sick, they can’t really get their little minds around my going. The truth is that we can’t either.

One exciting thing for me is that so many people want to come and see me before the end, including members of my own family, my best friend and her daughter, who is also my goddaughter, and several priests with whom we are very close. Here, also, we have our dear co-workers who are ready to help with the smallest detail. Dennis and Constance Luisi, new missionaries with the OCMC who are from our home parish, are planning to arrive on 8 September, and they will be so attentive to any needs we may have. The Archbishop, too, has offered what ever help we may need. From him, we have asked for a hospital bed for such a time as I may become bed-ridden. We are hoping to find a reclining chair as well, but these are not available in Albania and it may be very hard to find one. I know my mom spent a lot of time sitting in her recliner, so that she would not have to be in bed all day long.

Running through my mind is what do I need to do with my last days. I have this urgent sense that I need to complete some projects—writing letter to leave with the children for the special events in the future—birthdays, graduation, weddings, first babies, and so on. I’m also doing photo memory books for them. Tristan’s is almost done, But I have yet to start Katherine’s. I have recorded some songs  at the request of some of our young people here who like my singing. I’m also writing a book for Nathan of our memories together. Please pray that I will have both the discipline and the wits to complete these projects. I really would feel bad in the end if I didn’t complete these.

When I first got news of my pending departure, I was frantic, thinking I needed to do some kind of “ministry,” but I soon realized that there was no value in ministry at this point. What I have done until now is what I have done. What I have become, is what I am. To try to have some kind of dramatically different prayer life is simply an attempt to “win his favor” and would actually be rather artificial. I am allowing myself to simply relax in the love of Jesus, to enjoy him in a new way. To think about joining him soon.

I have so much peace in thinking that there is nothing I can do to win over Christ. All I can do is throw myself into his arms and know that it is only through the work of Christ that I can be saved. I feel that I am ready to die a “painless, blameless, and peaceful death” even as we pray every liturgy. I may have a lot of physical pain, but in spirit I feel no pain, other than the pain of leaving those I love.