June, 2005

Philip found Nathanael and said to him, "We have found him of whom Moses in the law and also the prophets wrote, Jesus of Nazareth , the son of Joseph. " Nathanael said to him, "Can anything good come out of Nazareth ?" Philip said to him, "Come and see. "JOHN 1:45,46

About five years ago, I gave a talk to our Albanian priests wives on the theme of Journeying toward Christmas. In this presentation, I focused on the main feasts of the church during the Advent season, including the feasts of the apostles Andrew and Philip. In John 1, the Gospel account where each of these apostles is introduced to Jesus, the phrase "come and see" is used, and this call fits beautifully with our journey toward Christmas. We are called to "come and see," to draw near to Jesus. At Christmas time, we approach an infant, born as foretold by prophets and heralded by angels, who, on that first a night, chant the wonderful news, "peace on earth, good will toward men." No ordinary infant, this child is announced as one who will "save His people from their sins," and we are led immediately to Pascha, to that bright sadness of his death for our life.

I have given this talk several times over the years, and it comes to my mind again this season, especially the call to "come and see," for we have been given a new way of coming and a new way of seeing through my cancer, which was diagnosed almost exactly a year ago. God has given us suffering so that we might see his love and goodness. It is his way of wooing us, and we are hon­ored that he seeks us so unrelentingly. With joy now, we are walking along the path that takes us from that self-serving desire of wanting God for my healing to the place of loving God for himself alone.

Spring Tour

Many of you have followed the course of our lives over the past year through the website. For those of you who do not have access to the website, I will summarize the months since our last newsletter in February.

I had just come off of radiation therapy when we last mailed a newslet­ter to our readers. At that time, cancer had metastasized to my spinal column and had formed a tumor. Thankfully, the cancer had not invaded any other organs.

During the spring months, I was feeling fairly well, and we toured parts of the eastern United States , visiting friends and supporters and presenting our work in Albania . Our travels took us to Chicago by the first week of May, and we were able to celebrate Pascha in our home parish, which we had not done for nearly 10 years. It was a blessed. time for us were delighted to be among so many long-time, dear friends for this most joyous celebration, and we were moved by the services sung in English by our beloved priest, Fr. Patrick Reardon, whose deep voice resonated the Paschal hymns with such jubilation.

After Pascha, our plan had been to head west for a tour of the opposite coast, but I had begun to feel over­whelmed by our travels. It was too hard to travel and try to attend to my health needs. We decided instead to return to my parents' home, and canceled the western leg of our journey.

I had begun to feel periodic pain at that point, and on June 7, a bone scan disclosed that cancer had spread throughout my skeleton. I was very distressed about this. I had been trying very hard to facilitate healing through a strict, healthy diet, vitamin supplements, and exercise and had placed my hope in its success. This was my mistake, and I soon came to realize that ultimately healing comes from God, and he can use many ways to accomplish this, including the natural healing approach. I have tried to maintain a very healthy, organic diet since them, but I have tem­pered my fanaticism.

Over the summer, pain came and went. When I felt it forcefully, I spent a lot of time in bed. When it subsided, I was able to enjoy a fairly active life. By mid-September, however, the pain set in in earnest and didn't subside as it had in the past. At that time, I had to begin taking pain medication 24 hours a day. MRI scans in September showed small tumors throughout my spine and neck, but no fracture points. Other tests were given to see if the cancer had spread to my brain, lungs and liver. It had not and I was very thankful that those organs would, at least for a while, continue to function normally.

I have not had any scans since September. My assumption is that the cancer continues to spread as my pain increases. Periodically, I receive blood transfusions to boost my hemoglobin, which dropped to critically low levels in July. Each month I receive a bone strengthener to help keep my bones from disintegrating too rapidly. These boosters cannot bring about healing; they can only prop me up for a while. Consequently, I have many ups and downs. When the pain becomes unmanageable, I am much less active, but during my good weeks, I can lead a relatively normal life, and for this I am very thankful.

In July my mother, with whom we have been living this past year (along with my father), was diagnosed with an advanced case of liver cancer. By the time her cancer was discovered, there was nothing that could be done for her. She has been trying some natural approaches to healing, which, although they have not cured her, may perhaps be giv­ing her some addi­tional months of life. She does not have any energy, but she still pulls herself out of bed each day and dresses herself. She receives visitors and keeps up with other friends by phone. It has been so difficult to watch her grow weaker each day, but we rejoice that her spirits have been good. All of my siblings and their families will be coming for Christmas this year, and we are all looking forward to a sweet time of remembering our wonderful years together and sharing our love for each other. This may be the last we will all be together this side of our heavenly home.