June, 2005 - Page 2

I hadn't thought at all about spiritual healing. Being a missionary, I suppose, made me feel that I ought to be a pillar of spiritual strength. My awareness of it began after I started praying the Akathist to St. Nectarios for healing, which someone had very kindly sent me, along with some holy oil from the tomb of St. Nectarios. As I prayed this service day after day, asking St. Nectarios to intercede with Christ on my behalf, I began to realize that the prayers were just as much about the healing of the soul as they were about the healing of the body. Here's an excerpt:

To the faithful that turn to thee
And extol and bless thee, O Saint Nectarios,
Do thou grant unto them strength and health
Of both soul and body, O most blest of God.

There are many prayers like this throughout the Akathist, and as I prayed them over and over again, they began to sink in. I began to think about Jesus' healing ministry and how often he said to those who sought physical healing, “Your sins are forgiven.” The sick sought physical healing, but Jesus gave them the healing they really needed—spiritual healing. Their bodies would die eventually anyway, but their souls, which would live on, needed to be healed of spiritual infirmities. Jesus gave the sick what they asked for, but he also gave them what they truly needed.

I started to pray for spiritual healing, though I didn't really know what I was looking for. I believe my prayers were heard, though the process began through a nearly debilitating emotional/spiritual crisis.

We had begun our travels around the United States by this time and were in Massachusetts staying at the home of our dear friends, Fr. Luke and Faith Veronis, with whom we worked for seven years in Albania . I was beginning to experience a lot of pain in my neck and lower back, and the pain was radiating down my legs to my feet. When one has metastatic cancer, it is tempting to think that every ache and pain is the unchecked spreading of the disease throughout the body. I was sure that my days were REALLY number. In my mind, I began to see God as judge, and I have to confess that I was terrified. “I haven't done enough, I haven't done enough,” I repeated to myself over and over again, and though I could quote all sorts of Scripture passages to myself about my works not being sufficient for my salvation, or about the fact that we are saved by God's grace, etc., I could not console myself. Then I thought of all the sins I had ever done, and I started wailing another mantra, “I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough,” and on I went deeper and deeper into despair. This was a blessed state, though, for suddenly a simple but profound truth that I had learned as a child finally hit home to me: “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” Until that moment, I don't think I had ever really understood that God LOVED me, but it hit me hard then and my soul was flooded by that love. Fear and despair left me, and they have not returned. Though I knew it in theory, I had never experienced it in truth: My salvation was not about me. It was based entirely in God, who is Love.

I don't think I had ever really understood the idea of repentance either. I was rather self-righteous, and self-righteousness had made me blind to my spiritual need. To be able to feel truly and deeply, to the point of despair, that I truly was the chief of sinners became the first step in my spiritual healing. Until that moment I hadn't seen or felt how desperate was my need for God.

At about this time, visitors in the home of Fr. Luke brought me a book, Come Away My Beloved , written by Francis Roberts. The author had sent the book specifically for me, and it was the perfect thing for me to read at that time. The book was designed to be read as a daily devotional, so each day I read a section, and each day I wept, for I was reminded over and over again of how much God loves me and has called me to a higher life. Each day I was filled with joy. Then I read a passage from the Scriptures, and this too came home in a new way. Since the season was Lent, I was reading in Isaiah, and I read, “Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they be as blood, they shall be as wool.” How many reminders I was finding of how much I am loved and how much I am forgiven. I was very grateful to be in the Veronises' home at that time, for Fr. Luke was a tremendous help to me in working through these critical issues, and when we left this home to move on to our next destination, I was deeply at peace.

This has begun the journey of spiritual healing. There are many more wonderful things I am experiencing and reading, but it would make this update too long. I will just say that I recently finished reading The Mountain of Silence by Kyriacos Markides, and found it to be another one of those amazing things that was given to me as a gift for my spiritual journey. It has brought home to me the need for serious spiritual askesis , especially in the area of disciplined and unceasing prayer, and the absolute necessity for humility before any real spiritual progress can occur. These are great challenges for me, but I want the end result so badly—a profound experience of the Grace of the Holy Spirit and oneness with Christ—that the struggle is immeasurably worthwhile.

Thank you for your concern and prayers. I have begun to realize these past few months, as I have heard about all the people that are praying for me, that this outpouring of love and prayers is not because of who I am. It is a consequence of who these praying people are. They are people filled with divine love. This has been a great inspiration to me, and I hope I am learning myself what it is to reach out to others in love.

These prayers have put me on a path to healing of soul and body, and I bless you for your part in it. I pray that God will supply all your needs—both those you see and those he sees.

On June 9 th , Nathan will be leaving for Albania to attend the graduation ceremony of his students at our theological academy. He will also be going to Kosovo to oversee two children's camps reaching about 800 children from two villages. Please pray for safety and for the success of these camps. Nathan will be away for about three weeks. I, and the children, will be staying with my parents in Minnesota during that time.

This week and part of last week, we have been staying at a cottage in northern Wisconsin . Someone very kindly offered our family a getaway at their second home. This has been a wonderful time for us. Our children have enjoyed hiking in the woods, chasing after frogs, dragonflies and every other kind of creepy crawly, and fishing for anything that will bite. We have loved the beauty and silence of the northwoods, and are so grateful for the chance to retreat for a while before Nathan heads to Albania .

My scan is scheduled for June 7th . This should give me some indication of what the cancer is doing. On the night before, from 11 p.m. to 2 a.m., I would like to be in prayer. I want to pray for myself even as Jesus prayed for himself on the night of his betrayal, “If it be thy will let this cup pass from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but thine be done.” I also want to pray specifically for others who are struggling with serious health issues, so if you know of anyone, please e-mail their names to me.