May, 2006 - Page 2

It has been wonderfully liberating to recognize that I don't need to “succeed” spiritually in order to find favor with God. I come to him, not on the basis of what I have done, but on the basis of what he has done. If I were feeling spiritually successful right now, I might be in danger of believing that I didn't need to repent anymore. To be certain, I will never get to the point where I have attained a level of spiritual maturity that puts me beyond the reach of temptation and sin. In fact, the more I approach God with the proper fear, the more vividly I will see my own sinfulness and desperate need of his saving help.

These past three months have been very challenging for me. I went through a dreadful period in February and March, probably the worst time I have had in all the months of my illness. Part of it was triggered by medication, part by the progression of my disease and perhaps by other things as well. I began to have terrible anxiety attacks and bouts of deep depression. These were completely different from the down period I experienced after Christmas. They were overwhelming and dark and frightened me immensely. When a wave of anxiety would wash over me, I would sometimes go running into my mom's room and beg her to pray for me. She would do so with great love and compassion, asking God to protect me from evil, if the source were the Evil One.

At that time, I went to see a doctor who advised us that perhaps my medication for nausea was causing the anxiety attacks. I stopped taking that medication and the anxiety went away. The depression, however, continued, and I was prescribed an anti-depressant, which, over time, seemed to help diminish the emotional lows and dark thoughts that had been troubling me.

I still do not know what caused the depression, but several very good things have come out of it. One is that I learned that I must press on regardless of how I feel. Depression is terrible for it makes everything seem so pointless. There is this heaviness, a loss of appetite or desire or interest in anything. There were many times when I did not feel like praying, or going to church, or reading the Bible or other spiritual texts, but I chose to do them anyway and tried not to feel discouraged by my lack of earnestness or devotion. I chose to be obedient and “to cling to my God and place in Him the hope of my salvation.” I often had that sense of simply hanging on, as though I were in a boat on a stormy sea and could do nothing but cling to the mast and hope I wouldn't be washed overboard.

I did notice during those miserable days that I had been in the habit of judging my spiritual state by how I was feeling. If I felt joyful or loving, then I was doing well. If I felt empty or despondent, then I wasn't doing well. I have since come to realize that faith is not about how I feel, it is an act of the will. I believe because I know something is true, not because I feel good about something. This realization will help me in the days ahead. I do not know what chemical imbalances the cancer may cause in the days to come, nor what may happen with my emotions, but I do know that I must simply hang on to what I know in my mind to be true. I have to admit, though, it is a great consolation to feel a love for God and the joy of the Lord!

The other thing that came out of my depression was a great sense of humiliation. This was a very good thing for my soul because I might otherwise have been tempted to think I was doing really well spiritually--a model of spiritual prowess. Well, that idea got shot down with this latest round of struggles. One doesn't get puffed up about depression. I would have said all along that it was only by the grace of God and through the prayers of people that I was managing to plod along, but I might have been giving myself a great deal of credit at the same time. Now I can say without a doubt that it truly is the grace of God that holds me and sustains me because I've been there on the edge, wondering if I were going to fall into some abyss. Thankfully, God was there in the darkness. Even though I had a hard time seeing him, I knew he was present because he said he would be. “I will never leave you, nor forsake you.” This was a great comfort and I clung to it tenaciously. It is very humbling to recognize how truly great is our need for God. He gives us these terrible moments to find that out, and so we must be thankful for them, but we must also live every day with that sense of total dependence on him, whether or not we are aware of our need.

Physically, I have been feeling quite well for the past few months. I haven't had to increase the dosage of my pain medication since the middle of February. For this I am very thankful. My hemoglobin had been falling much more slowly, and this past week it even went up a fair bit, which was a real surprise—a miracle. I hadn't had a blood transfusion since the end of January, but received one yesterday to prepare me for the months ahead. Because of this, and because of a sense of God's leading us to do so, we are planning to return to Albania for a few months. We are delighted with the prospect of being back “home” and being able to continue our work there. I will try to help out and participate as God gives me strength and energy. Nathan will still need to help me out a fair amount, but I do have my housekeeper, Shpresa, who can take over some of the things Nathan has been doing, especially meal preparation.

Our date of departure is May 17 th and we would appreciate your earnest prayers for ease of travel for all of us, as well as grace for living and serving once more in Albania . There is little medical care available for me in Albania , but our co-worker Charles Linderman, the surgeon who diagnosed my cancer in the first place, will be checking me regularly. Please pray that my hemoglobin will hold steady. This will take a miracle, but we believe in miracles.

It is difficult for me to leave my mother at this time as well. Although my dad is her primary caretaker, there are still some things that I do for her, plus, she enjoys having a daughter near by. It may be that my sister, who works from home and is fairly flexible with her schedule, will be able to come and stay for some extended visits with my parents. Please pray for my mom and for my dad and my sister. There will be some difficult adjustments ahead for them.

We will be pulling our children out of school about eight days before the conclusion of the school year. Both of the children's teachers are very understanding about this and have been extremely congenial all year with regard to our family's needs. Our children are enrolled in a Lutheran church school, and over the past six months members of the church have dropped by with meals for us and have offered help in so many other ways as well.

We thank God for his mercy and grace to us and for his provision for our every need. I also thank my good husband, Nathan, who has taken such good care of us over the past year-and-a-half. He has blessed us with a joyful and willing spirit and has not balked at any of the things I have asked him to help me with. I have had many ups and downs emotionally and spiritually and he has been such a steadying force for me.

The cost of our tickets and other expenses for returning to the field are quite high, and we would appreciate any financial contributions that any of you might like to make to allay these costs.

We continue to be extremely grateful for your prayers for us. We are also thankful for those of you who have continued to support us so generously during our time in the States. You have eased our financial burden tremendously.

We have set up a State-side phone number for ourselves in Albania . Any of you can call us at 612/216-3740. We would be delighted to hear from you. I will try to write more regularly for the website while we are in Albania so that you can follow our work and progress. We ask for special prayers for our travels next Wednesday, May 17, as we make our way to Albania via Dallas and London .

Thank you and God bless you.